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THE SORROWS OF YOUNG FRANCIS . . .

Updated 21 MARCH 2003


Francis stands at attention for Commandant Spangler.


Now that "Malcolm in the Middle" has proven to be enormously popular (as we always thought it would be), information on the show is all over the Internet. Still, it seems, we remain the premiere (in every sense of the word) source of information on Christopher Kennedy Masterson, who plays Malcolm's eldest brother, Francis. Accordingly, we present this page of images (which we will change periodically) as a means for Christopher's fans to keep up-to-date with the sorrowful life of poor Francis. But first, the legalese:

All images and characters from "Malcolm in the Middle" are ©1999, ©2000 and 2001 by Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation, Regency Entertainment (USA), Inc., and Monarchy Enterprises B.V. All rights are reserved. Regency Television Productions is the author of "Malcolm in the Middle." Do not print, transfer or distribute these images without this copyright notice or for any commercial purposes. All text ©2000 and 2001 by Jaundiced Eye Productions except where otherwise specifically indicated; all rights are reserved.

This page is not an official site for Christopher Kennedy Masterson nor any cast member of "Malcolm in the Middle," nor for Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation, Regency Entertainment (USA), Inc., Monarchy Enterprises B.V., or any of their related entities. Graphics and information on this site are presented for non-commercial, informational purposes only. Or, in other words, you better believe that Fox will stomp all over you if you print or try to sell these pictures -- they protect their property rights!



THE HUMILIATION NEVER ENDS:

As if it wasn't bad enough that millions of Americans have watched poor Francis be tortured by the unfeeling cruelty of his mother, and the grinding strictness of the Marlin Academy, now "Malcolm in the Middle" is being telecast in Britain, and people across the Atlantic are watching the cruel mistreatment of America's favorite bad boy. (Well, maybe second favorite, after Bart Simpson. . . .)



2003 QUESTIONS:


WHAT IS HIS LAST NAME?!

Cadet, if you have to ask that question, you lack the proper clearance for the information. Report for duty to Private Riley Finn immediately! . . .



WHAT'S ERIC'S LAST NAME?

Hansen, of course.


WHAT'S FRANCIS'S JOB TITLE AT THE GROTTO?

Ranch foreman.


WHY IS THE GROTTO CALLED "THE GROTTO?"

Because it's owned by GRetchen and OTTO.


WHAT'S WITH FRANCIS'S HANG-UP ABOUT SEX VIDEOS, ANYWAY?

He claims it's all about protecting Gretchen and Otto, but we're pretty sure it has something to do with his Mother.


DID FRANCIS EVER GET HIS RAPHAEL FIGURE WITH PIZZA-THROWING ACTION?

No. He did get a new pick-up truck from Otto, though, but it's really just not the same....





OLDER QUESTIONS:


Why was Francis sent to the Marlin Academy?

That's what he would like to know. Okay, so he was caught in bed with his skanky girlfriend -- he was in love with her! Okay, so he blew the car up -- that was an accident! Okay, so he . . . come on, he's no worse than his brother Reese, is he?


Malcolm understands Francis (almost), so why doesn't anyone else?


Where is the Marlin Academy, anyway?

In Alabama, which is not where Francis's family lives.



Why did Commandant Spangler have passes to the rodeo?

He never said. . . . Francis did, however, once describe the school as a "steaming hotbed of repressed homosexuality."



Francis isn't . . . is he?!

No, he's not.




21 May 2000: FRANCIS . . . A HUSTLER?!

Er, yes, actually. Commandant Spangler found out that even though Francis regularly loses at pool when he plays against the Commandant at the Marlin Academy, a certain young hustler who looks remarkably like Francis has been making a bundle at the local pool halls, so the Commandant has given Francis an ultimatum: PLAY WELL . . . OR ELSE! The problem is, if Francis plays well and beats the Commandant, the other cadets will suffer, and make Francis suffer even worse. If Francis deliberately loses again to Commandant Spangler, the Commandant will make Francis suffer, too.







Poor Francis. What could he do but play so well that . . .



2 JUNE 2000: A COMPLAINT IS REGISTERED


Today we received the following scraps of brown paper (at least we hope it was brown paper) in the mail along with the photographs which follow:











We have no idea what the significance of all of this may be, but the young fellow in the photographs bears a strong resemblance to Francis's brother, Malcolm. Our efforts to verify the source of these mysterious photographs has so far been foiled by the fact that the postage stamps on the package were apparently hand-drawn, and the blurry cancellation mark was redolent of raw potato -- shades of The Great Escape!




7 MAY 2000: WHAT IS FRANCIS'S PROBLEM, ANYWAY?

His mother:



Francis is delighted by his ruptured appendix because now he can make his mother feel guilty . . . or so he thinks.


Not even the guy in the other infirmary bed can believe that Francis's mother is as dreadful as he claims .


WRONG!. Back in his own room, Francis tries to do the homework Spangler dumped on him, but . . .


. . . his mother (Jane Kaczmarek) insists upon giving him a sponge bath . . .


. . . in his own room at the Academy . . .


. . . because he is "stinky" . . .


. . . and no part of him is sacred . . .


. . . (okay, she did give birth to him, after all . . .


. . . following a very long labor), . . .


. . . but why can't anyone else see how terrible she is?


Fortunately, however, every boy and his mother can bond at the Gay Rodeo!




"SURVEY SAYS . . ."


My Favorite Jaundiced Eye Star
Who is your favorite star here?

Ben Affleck
Jordan Brower
Christopher Masterson
Danny Masterson
Esteban Louis Powell
Ryan Phillippe
Ben Silverstone
Someone else (say who in the guestbook, please!)


Current Results








WE'RE #29!

We've mentioned previously that we have an international audience. Now EuroSeek™ has made it official. After only being listed with Euroseek™ since 10 April 1999, we have received about 94,000 "hits," so that . . .

ON THE LATEST LIST OF ALL EUROSEEK™ COOLSITES IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, WE ARE THE 29th MOST POPULAR!








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