Mulholland Drive, written and directed by David Lynch, is a David Lynch movie. If you are a David Lynch fan, you will go to see it no matter what I have to say about it, and if you don't like or understand David Lynch films, nothing I'm likely to say will ever convince you to go see one.
Last night, however, the publicists hired by Universal Focus to promote the film gave me a truly rare opportunity: For the first time ever I can actually rate a film "Zero Stars"! This is not because I saw and disliked the movie, but because the publicity company conveniently "lost" my R.S.V.P. for the film, and, when given the choice of waiting in a standby line with the possibility of seeing the film if a seat happened to become available (and never mind a pair of seats so that I could sit with my guest at the screening) or of simply walking away then and there, I said to my guest, "Why should I wait an hour and a half in a standby line to promote someone else's movie, bust my butt to write a review, and help to make them rich? Screw it. Let's go."
And GO we did. To see Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust, which was certainly worth nine bucks (and the cost of drinks and popcorn). We didn't get to see a free film at a fancy screening at a nice theater, but we did get to spend a lot of money to watch a really terrific film in a very dowdy theater. The trade-off was worth it. I give Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust "8 Stars" -- go see THAT and you will probably have a great time. (Just don't bring the kids -- "D" is rated "R" (for "Restricted," the U.S.A. rating that bars people under 17 from attending without a parent or guardian), and any child who can watch it and not be completely freaked out is one weird mamma-jamma!
With the rise in theater ticket prices and the growing international audience of our page, our old NW2: Not Worth $2 (U. S. dollars) to W8: Worth $8 rating scale has become less useful than previously, so, in line with the scale used by the Internet Movie Database (IMDb) we have adopted a scale of 1 star to 10 stars, with "1 Star" being a VERY bad movie, and "10 Stars" being a movie classic. Our On-Line Reviewer, however, has gone where IMDb has never gone before: he has added a score of Zero for those movies which are so bad that they are not even good "camp" -- movies so bad that not even "Mystery Science Theater 3000" could could make them worth watching.
On this scale, anything rated "7 Stars" or above is definitely worth the cost of a theater ticket, "8 Stars" is worth standing in line to buy a ticket, "9 Stars" is worth standing in line in a driving rain rainstorm or severe heatwave or moderate windstorm to buy a ticket, and "10 Stars" is a movie worth driving hundreds of miles to go see -- at least in Dr. Shea's own opinion. Accordingly,